It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
it’s the silliest best thing
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
White parent Vs Arab parents
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I’d hang this in my house.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.