[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.