“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
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Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.