Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.