If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral