As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Cake!!
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
who wants to go expliring
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.