Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
same vibe as tangled headphones
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome