No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender