{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.