There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.