You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
You Might Also Like
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
There’s only one good girl here!
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale