11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
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[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse