I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”