I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
If I ignore life will it go away?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
cause of death:
autopsy.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three