Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.