can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
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Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
But is it really??
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face