tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me too
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.