cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
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I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
this is funnier than any friends episode
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
okay run it by me one more time
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time