I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Discuss
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated