Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
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[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
car not found
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*