Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
eggs benadryl
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.