*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
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I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero