My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
mentally somewhere in italy
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.