Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
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Just as the prophecy foretold
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Happy Star Wars day!
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.