ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
You Might Also Like
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.