So many pants.
So little yoga.
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me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
notice
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password