I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
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My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book