*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
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In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Don’t we all.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches