me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Are you ok, human???
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Bless you