I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING