Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You Might Also Like
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*