At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
😩😩😩
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.