I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My beach vacation Google searches
I hope it’s French Onion!
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
i hate you platonically
what kind of cook setting is this??
😬
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.