Almost forgotβ¦πππππ
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I donβt even bake.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I donβt get to work from home but that wonβt stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Letβs see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I donβt think itβs ever happened, but according to my dogsβ reactions, Iβm assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
βSee how annoying that is?β
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!