This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
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I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?