My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
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i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Nice try Hitler
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.