Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
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ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
what’s really going on
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I’m good, thanks.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
This kid will have a bright future.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.