Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word