Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
That’s amazing.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.