I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
You deplete me
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
British websites use biscuits.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.