Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
You Might Also Like
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel