if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.