That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*