[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Not all heroes wear capes….
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart