I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
You Might Also Like
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Happy Star Wars day!
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
what the hell pray for carter everyone