[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am