Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.