Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong