5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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*swipes right on my hand mirror
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
craving $300 all of a sudden
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”