“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.